I admit it… I have often lived on the ‘wrong side’ of the bridge! Currently I live in Esquimalt, across the Gorge from Downtown Victoria. I frequently need to cross the Johnson Bridge to get into town, (seen here in this photo).  Before that, I lived in the Fraser Valley, a long drive – and a bridge – from Vancouver. And in Nova Scotia, I lived in Dartmouth, across the harbor from Halifax. It seems I’ve often needed to cross bridges to get where I’m going. But quite honestly, I’ve come to love it!

Isaac Newton once stated: “We build too many walls and not enough bridges.” Perhaps the question every community needs to ask is, “Does our community need more walls or more bridges?”

Recently, a friend and colleague, Eric Hellman, and I put on a workshop about how to communicate more effectively – especially on matters of spirit and faith, because these issues touch the central core of our being in so many ways, and often result in wall-building where bridges of understanding would be better.

The first step in communicating, Eric explained, is to “know thyself’” – that is, our own values, experience, wisdom and beliefs. You could think of that as the supporting pillar on your side of the bridge. However, if we stand only on ‘our side’, with our opinions firmly rooted in the cement of being ‘right’, how can we truly relate to someone on the ‘other side’, who sees life from a very different perspective? And who is just as firmly rooted? To relate to them, we must be willing to see things from their side of the bridge as well.

Since the workshop, I’ve begun asking myself five questions whenever I speak with someone:

1. What would I like to talk about with this person?

2. What is my motive? Do I want to change this person? Make them see MY point of view?

3. Where is he/she coming from? How do they see the subject I’m talking about, and what language, beliefs, feelings or past experience do they have?

4. Am I listening to my own reactions? For example, am I feeling defensive, or do I feel threatened by what he or she is saying to me?

5. Am I really listening to them? And do they know or feel that?

This last point is perhaps most important to me, because when I speak with others, I want them to truly know I care about what THEY are saying., and that I am interested in what they have to say.

Bridge crossing and wall building

As a case in point, here is a clip from a favorite TV show, “The Big Bang Theory”. In this episode, Sheldon, a physics nerd, is attempting to teach physics to Penny, an aspiring actress and a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. In laughing at this clip, I recognize that sometimes I’ve felt Iike a Sheldon in the way I communicate – so enthused with my subject or the point that I am trying to make, that I fail to see the needs of the person I’m ‘talking to’. It’s no wonder I feel a wall going up. At other times, I have definitely felt like Penny – just not understanding the message.  Take a look and ask yourself, who am I identifying with?  Are you sometimes like Penny? Or sometimes like Sheldon? … and yet in this humorous clip we see small, touching steps being made to build a bridge to real communication.

It’s about more than just listening to someone else’s story – it’s also about listening to their heart, and hearing with our hearts.

So what then is the secret of great communicators – people like the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama or Jack Layton,  to name but a few currently in thought.  Regardless of what we may think of their politics, they are/were somehow able to inspire us, help us to understand, and make us feel they really care.  It is from this position of listening and caring that they were able to speak so inspiringly to the human need in a way that broke down barriers and walls. These qualities are not unique to them; they are gifts we can all learn to give. True listening does not silence our voice; it inspires it with love.

To me, the importance of listening without having an agenda is paramount. The need to really ‘get where others are’ before I speak is essential. And the deeply meaningful experience that is possible when we meet another person on the bridge of communication is priceless.

Anna  Bowness-Park has been a Christian Science practitioner of spiritual healing for twenty years. She is also the spokesperson for Christian Science in British Columbia and loves connecting with people in conversations about religion, spirituality and the role of prayer in healing and health care.

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